Welcome sports fans to the final Spartans match report of 2017. Spartans signed off their calendar year with a comfortable result against struggling French Kiss. There was something in the air on this Winter afternoon. Xmas Spirit? A chill? Ed Tizard’s first touch? Either way, it was a lovely day for a kickaround, but not for a tan.

Laurence’s day started strong, rocking a delightful black mac from Pretty Green. “ A man’s wardrobe is not complete, nor are you a man without a mac . I know Mourinho likes a mac, but his is shit and from Primark and heeds zero mystical powers. If he wore mine for 20 mins he’d lose his head” . Laurence quoted on his attire pre-match, only undone in the fashion stakes by Onion who opted for the ever seasonal shorts and woolly hat combo.

Nick Day (North Face gilet) took to the touchline with subs Onion and new boy Victor (jacket unknown) to name the team. Despite a number of Christmas absences, the team still had a familiar feel in shape with regular shot stopper Romain behind a back four of Eneko and Grayland at CB, OM at LB and debutant Keith at right back. Rasmus and Rui were hoping to give the opposition midfield little R&R as they slotted into the vacant CM roles, with Loz and Balka out wide and the usual front pairing of Tizard The Wizard and Keefe The Leaf. 

Grayland – who works in Finance – proved to be a student of the Nick Day School of Maths as claims of a win would outrageously lift us six points and three places into third. With this is mind Sparts settled early and looked instantly at ease, retaining the lion’s share of possession and causing a number of problems. Balka was running riot down his flank, linking up well with Scotsman Keith despite neither one of them understanding a single word spoken between the two of them.

Spartans were dominant, despite not operating at 100%, and the dominance was justified when a rare French Kiss foray was turned over and within a few seconds a slick move from back to front set Tizard free to square for Matt Keefe to calmy stroke home the opener.

French Kiss tried to hit back with another stray attack after the restart, and some lax defending allowed them to get a weak shot away. It was a reminder that despite our comfort, we hadn’t even come close to getting the job done yet.

So it was useful, when minutes later, a quick throw from OKM released Loz down the left. Sensing the keeper had no fingers, Laurence carefully floated a delicate pass into the keepers hands, who duly spannered the ball into the air behind him, dropping across the line for 2-0. Turns out the keeper had giant hams for hands and had forgotten to bring his bespoke oven mitts, much to the delight of Laurence, until he later found out it was credited as an OG.

Little more happened in the half except for Rui fouling lots of people, and spraying some nice passes, alongside Rasmus who was also doing his fair share of dirty work, being rewarded with a naughty calf strain for his efforts. HT: Spartans 2 – 0 French Kiss

Half time came, and despite being deservedly two goals to the good, we still knew we had more to give and didn’t want to let French Kiss back into the game. Rasmus made way at the break for the returning fans’ favourite Ynyr Jones, and a quick fire half-time warm up sprang the Sparts back into life for the second period.

Spartans continued to look for more goals, but couldn’t find the killer third despite good link up play from the front four. An injured OKM made-way mid-way through the half for Victor’s debut in CM, Onion slotting into left-back/left-wing/left-striker and Spartans continued to pose a threat.

However, that earlier warning sign soon became a reality as French Kiss struck back to halve the deficit. Sat here now, I honestly can’t remember the goal so let’s assume it was a cracker because they’re proper shit so there’s no way it was a well-worked move. UNSTOPPABLE! 2-1.

Thankfully, the jitters lasted barely a few minutes, as Matt Keefe found space in the box. A collage of blue and black shirts filled the defensive area. Collage, a word of French origin meaning ‘to glue’ seemed very relevant as Keefe managed to squeeze past a defender, cut through a few more and stick it in the top corner with a right-footed drive. Pick that one out. What a goal, a true piece of art. You can tell the lad works in marketing.

Other second-half highlights include: Balka pinging a left-footed drive off the angle as he cut inside and hit a peach. Loz drove inside and curled a banana shot just wide of the upright. But it was Keefe who had the final chance to bear the fruit of a hat trick, but the keeper stood tall leaving MK with a pear of goals instead, as the Spartans cruised to victory and cement a brilliant start to the season. FT: Spartans 3 – 1 French Kiss


Man of the Match: Matt Keefe
Dick of the Day: Matt Keefe
Tom Glen Award: Nick Day
Romain’s Fashion Corner: Loz’s Mac; Onion’s shorts & woolly hat combo; Eash’s sleeveless horror