First game of the season, loads of people out through fitness,working & a few late pull outs lost to 5’s & injuries, see, what on paper should be a breeze turns into more of a problem maybe, lucky for us we still have a couple of superstars with Andy & Knowles in tow, what can go wrong?
Get to the ground with plenty of time to spare, so Andy can show off his new shin pads, special nice blue socks, that Andy explains, the pads can "slide in like this & slide out like that", a disturbing moment of silence occured when ‘Baz’ fresh off the boat from the valleys overheard this, while holding the largest pot of vaseline i’ve ever seen, nothing was said, well Baz is a large lad, whose been known to play a bit of rugby, the moment had gone, Chi was confused, lets get on with the game.
Reverted back to a more traditional formation of 442, with Bollywood in goal, Boris,Baz,Martin & big Dan, with comments of thats got to be the largest defence we have ever had, which is bit harsh on Martin, who had been fasting all week & feeling dizzy, midfield of Super Sanj, Killer Knowles, fat bald bloke & Chi, with Andy & the Mercurial Dimitre up front.
After a very quick team talk & a deal to let Andy rest if his shin pads get dirty after scoring a hat trick, were under way, bit of a slow start, so slow that Chi forgets how to take a throw in & receives a right rollocking, were starting to get into our groove & start playing at the same level as our opposition, which is not good, because they are sh*te.
A few half chances come & go with not too much trouble for our defence, then when playing the ball back, Baz who by now is dripping in vaseline, pelts a back pass straight over the bar for a corner, this is followed by our back 4, who are all over 6ft getting out jumped by a chinese oompa loompa, were down 1.0, not the best start to the season.
This wakes us up & we know we have to lift our game, a couple of changes, see’s bullet tooth Tony & newbie Jeremy enter the fray, we start to keep the ball & move it better on the floor, creating & causing them more problems, it’s only a matter of time when good work from Knowles plays in Jeremy, who rounds a couple of players & the keeper to calmly equalise, were on our way & its all one way pressure, another goal is surely soon to be delivered!
Sanj is getting loads of space & joy down the right & delivering some great balls into the box for the forwards & Boris, no idea what he was doing in the 6 yard box, but a member of the opposition kindly lets the Referee know that Boris was wearing a hello kitty ear ring, justin bieber underpants & captain caveman socks, which obviously with the new UEFA ruling was not allowed, it was time for a cigarette break anyway, so Boris popped off, but when he came back on the pitch, all that nicotine & noncing at fit burdz on the stair master in the gym, seemed to be paying off, he went on a mazy run & delivered a pin point cross for Andy to head in, 2.1 up & starting to cruise.
Then in games like this just when you think your on top, the Ref decides to change things, Andy collects the ball & a opposition player who is not looking at anything apart from putting his elbow into andy’s chest completely pole axes him, of course everyone on the pitch see’s this, except the referee & linesman, Andy while on the floor asks the Ref if he is ‘going to protect him’, with no answer, 2 minutes later the same player grabs andy in the box & a swing of the arm in retaliation, results in a straight red. By now that is the same colour as Knowles face, looks like he’s just been to Ibiza for a week, then I remember more likely Phuket & a yellow card is shortly round the corner, we get to half time, luckily to regroup, calm down & importantly still 2.1 up.
Note to self, during half time team talk, going forward calming chat, maybe a bit of whale music, DO NOT, take the pi*s for getting sent off for such a girly arm swing, only acceptable if loads of claret on the pitch or broken legs comments maybe mis understood by certain players!
Second half starts we start to dominate missing a player is not affecting us the defence is solid the midfield is even more solid & Dimitre is working his socks off as a lone striker, then someone calls Knowles a light weight shandy drinker & all hell breaks loose, the big mouth cantonese only speaker nicks the ball off of knowles, which was the last thing he remembered that evening, as straight in front of the Ref his legs seem to buckle with the force of the right boot, straight red, I’m between laughing & crying, but luckily composed enough to stop Knowles knocking out the Ref, so game on, down to 9 men, makes things more even.
We however seem to keep the ball & restrict them from playing only in their half, the defence shepherded by Martin & Tony with the high line, keep getting there attackers off side & under control, with Baz going on some strong runs & putting himself about a bit in the box from set pieces & throughly being a bit menacing to the little lad wearing glasses playing against him, chi closing down well & working hard as ever, Sanj creating chances & unlucky not to score on a few occasions, together with Big Dan winning every thing in the air & clearing calmly from the back, we start to get on top, resulting in a good run by Jeremy putting a great ball on a plate for Dimitre to nod home 3.1 up in control, playing a compact formation of 1.4.4, they shall not pass.
We hold out right until the end with a couple more subs made just to freshen things up & get us to the finishing line, finally with practically the last kick of the game they work out the off side trap & sneak a late consolation goal, but the points are in the bag & we start the season very strangely but with the result we wanted, well done.