1. Blond Midfield Bombshell Runar ‘Don’t Forget the Cod War’ Arnason has represented Iceland 34 times. But now he’s shite and can’t even get on our bench.

2. Mark ‘Red Mist’ Connolly has never been booked. He just gets straight red cards in every game.

3. Leicester-born Simon ‘Hitman’ Humphries, our deceptively speedy new striker, is in fact eight months pregnant with Robbie Savage’s baby.

4. Ade ‘Who?’ Green is currently undergoing hair therapy at his close friend Elton John’s Big Gay Ranch in Watford. He will soon reappear as Edgar Davids.

5. Mike ‘The Bike’ Grimshaw has never spoken to a single living person.

6. Jon ‘Johnny Mumbles’ Southgate was once an accomplished University Public Speaking Champion.

7. Jon "Roberto Carlos" Westerby – scored………….once.

8. Howard "Leonard Nimoy’ Neville (I) was the original drummer with Slade.

9. Rick ‘Hilda’ Ogden Is On A Mission From Another Planet To Kill All Southern Man U Pigs Die Die Die. He is haunted by the little-known fact that his father is ex-United ‘great’ Ralphie Milne.

10. Robert ‘We Have a Problem’ Houston is in fact an-ex WW2 POW who escaped from Colditz on a motorbike with Steve McQueen over the River Kwai.

11. Jim "In a Straight Glass" Grant last year collected his first ever football medal at the age of er.. 32. If he had collected more Carlberg ring-pulls he could have got himself a CD player.

12. Howard ‘Frank Worthington’ Neville (II) – our journey-man has been involved with many clubs during his term in HK – Club Bunny, Club Waikiki, Club Hot Lips, etc.