Spartans earned a well deserved win against a poor Swiss side, in a match almost ruined by the officials.
Sparts had a strong squad for the floodlit game, and lined up in a dangerous looking 4-4-2. Romain had the gloves, with Tom Glen, Lars, Grayland and Casper in front. OM and Lozza started out wide, with Crossy and Sam in the centre mid berths. Ed ‘ The Wizard ‘ Tizard and Matt ‘ nothing rhymes with Keefe ‘ Keefe up top.
Spartans started brightly, with some neat football all over the pitch, with the danger coming from the midfield and down the flanks, in particular the left. Swiss looked poor all over the park, but on the rare occasion they got out their half, managed to force a throw from their right winger, who had taken time off from his regular job of troll under the local bridge to make today’s game.
The long throw was helped on by a delightful flick, sadly from Grayland, and the Swiss left winger had the run on the full back to nod in to put Spartans in a bit of bother early doors. Spartans knew their job hadn’t really changed and that Swiss were there for the taking. Spartans started to lay the pressure on thick like a layer of hot tar on the road to glory, winning a free kick in dangerous territory, with everyone sensing, well, danger.
Matt Keefe fizzed the resulting free kick low into the box, and using all of his Wizardry skills, Ed exclaimed ” MAXIMUS SNATCHUS GOALUS ” as the ball squirmed its way through for the equaliser. He later cast ” EXPELLIARMUS ” on Keefe’s claim for the goal.
With Spartans now riding high on confidence, a series of set pieces were causing havoc in the Swiss box, and minutes later Grayland rose highest, daintiest and twirliest to to smash the ball with the back of his head into the stantion. Great set piece, great goal, great turnaround.
Further graft down the right led to OM being unearthed like the cabbage he is, with another Keefe FK leading to another corner. Grayland was in the thick of it again as it was flicked to the back post for Crossy to retrieve. Crossy then hit acrossy the ball to crossy into the danger zone for Laurence to power a header acrossy goal and into the net, leaving the keeper very crossy. It wasn’t the first time “Daddy Reynolds had taken advantage of an unprotected upright and impregnated the gap with a bullet”, Gladys was quoted after the game. Spartans were flying, turning the 1-0 deficit into a 3-1 half time lead.
” Keep it tight, nothing stupid, let’s manage this game out ” were the words from our glorious leader Kim-Jong Nick-Day at half-time. With that in mind, two mins into the second half Grayland smashed into a tackle on the halfway line and got himself booked. The real tragedy, however, arrived just minutes later.
Spartans won a deserving free kick, the Swiss defender lucky not to be cautioned as he was caught wildly out of position – his regular position being the gargoyle atop the local church. As Grayland trotted by, screams of ” NO FUCKING ME ” rang from the ref, aimed at the C-Rex. For a change, Grayland hadn’t actually given the ref any dissent, but in fact had tried to finger the referee on his way past, forgetting he wasn’t still on a slutty weekend away in China. As he tried to disappear into the crowd like a creep in a Guangzhou nightclub, the linesman-bouncer waved his flag, and the referee ejected the sexual offender from the pitch, to the delighted squeals of the Swiss bitches.
In a half that Spartans were destined to get a hatful of goals, it was now being threatened as they had to hang on to their lead. After a period of 5-10 mins of being pegged in their half, Spartans managed to dominate the game once again.
MK and OKM linked-up the best they had all day, when Keefe smashed a looped pass into the sky which OM brought under instant control, and took a swig from it – as it was a water bottle that MK twatted as both had been removed from the field of play – Rui, Ted and Rasmus inbound.
Despite operating at a 90.909% capacity,Spartans were working at approximately 109% (-1% for Lars’ broken rib/boots), and even though we probably had less possession, it was Spartans who were creating the more dangerous chances. Loz was risking being the second person to be accused of sexual assault after raping his full back yet again, cutting inside and smashing the ball over. Shortly after, Ed ‘ The Lizard’ Tizard slithered his way through but couldn’t quite squeeze his shot away. Meanwhile Matt Keefe sat on the bench watching the game unfold, desperately trying to think of something cool that rhymes with Keefe (Leaf? Beef? Answers on a postcard).
Cliché alert! The next goal was crucial, and Sparts certainly didn’t wanna be hanging on to a one goal lead with twenty-plus minutes remaining. So it was very pleasant when, quick as a flash, Swiss were caught on the counter like victims of post-office armed robbery as Reynolds blistered his way down three-quarters of the pitch, past defenders, past teammates, past the ref, past tense, pasta lasagne, blast from the past and then cut inside and slammed the ball square into the bottom corner – relief! Loz steamed off and celebrated the goal on his own; just a quiet do, very tasteful. On for a hat trick, the flame haired winger now demanded everything, including non-existent fouls from the opposition (see pic) and a set piece which he lined up for his third goal – fire in his belly, picturing his name in lights. Given his fantastic performance, we all knew it was gonna be something special. Striding up to the ball with purpose, he connected wonderfully and fired the ball at the goal, over the bar, out onto the park, down onto the road, into the neighbouring hotel, into their kitchen and into an oven, where it was cooked for approximately 30 minutes on a low to medium heat, to create the perfect PUDDING! No hat trick, but Swiss still got their just desserts as Spartans coasted the rest of the game, and as the full time whistle blew, Swiss management did their best confirm themselves as the biggest melts in the league.
FT: Spartans 4 – 1 Swiss (Tizard, Grayland, Reynolds 2) In summary, a comfortable performance against a poor team, and great character, resilience and quality shown to overcome the early set back. Our confidence riding high for Sunday’s game vs KCC, almost as high as our spirits for Saturday night. See you on the dancefloor!
Man of the Match: Laurence Reynolds
Dick of the Day: Chris ‘Silver Tongue’ Grayland
Tom Glen Award: Tom Glen
Romain’s Fashion Corner: Matt Keefe’s post-game 13-year-old girl pedalpushers (no pic, sorry)
Spartans v Swiss XI
Tuesday 28th November 2017
Conditions: Quite nice really