Spartans Masters 5 – HK Sauerkrauts 0


Stevie G 3, A Mitchell, Lionel


There’s no question about it that when you watch teams like Barcelona, Real Madrid or Bayern Munich one word comes to mind they play beautiful football at the top of their game.  Watching the Spartans Masters yesterday certainly didn’t reach to those amazing heights, it could be argued that we endeavoured to rip the very fabric of the beautiful game to something resembling a fourth division Heineken Cup rugby game.


History books will however have us winning comfortably 5-0 but the cover never really describes the contents of the book which in this case resembled something of a horror movie.


So below is a chapter summary of the blood bath that I saw yesterday


Chapter One – The usual pull outs but thankfully we had a few willing and able replacements. We also finally get our kits from customs.


Chapter Two – HK Saurekrauts only had 9 players most of which were in early retirement age and could barely walk. To help us out even further one player got injured midway in the first half and another got injured in the second half so theoretically they only had 7 players in the end.


Chapter Three – Shin pads are over rated but nevertheless need to be worn especially at kick-off when refs check.


Chapter Four – We have lots of Chiefs barking out orders but very few Indians playing football.


Chapter Five – Andy Mitchell finally scores to our relief .


Chapter Six – To our immediate dismay Islam gives away a needless penalty to give the opposition some hope but is brilliantly saved by MOM Leo.


Chapter Seven – We decide that the best form of attack in the first half against only 9 6Ft 5 German giants parked in defence is to dribble the ball all the way to their half giving them time to regroup and then hoofing an aimless ball in the air in the hope their 6foot giant trips over and stumbles and Lionel controls it and puts it in the net. This actually happened early in the second half.


Chapter Eight – Stevie G finally comes on after Paul Hoy sacrifices himself for the team after explain to us on the sideline that our formation is all wrong.


Chapter Nine – Stevie G scores immediately when he comes on….thanks Paul.


Chapter Ten – Slick Rick brain explodes on the pitch and asks to be taken off after watching some of scintillating Masters footie comprising of off sides and misdirected passes with a final hoof long ball.


Chapter Eleven – Intermission which saw us regroup and change the tactics to a more passing game, the hoof in the middle just wasn’t working very well.


Chapter Twelve – Lionel scores from kick-off after the 60 year old German tries to replicate what Lionel did in the first half but in his 18 yard box presenting Lionel a goal.


Chapter Thirteen – Steve G scores again…. Messi eat your heart out.


Chapter Fourteen – There still a lot of moaning from everyone really especially between El Tel misdirected passes to the touchline and Hao who cops the brunt of the verbal back lash from Yo Yo Yo.


Chapter Fifteen – We keep losing footballs at Stanley and I realise that retrieving balls in the forest of HKIS is a lot harder than it looks.


Chapter Sixteen – Steve G finally gets his hat trick but not before many players sent miss directed shots resembling a blind man with an automatic machine gun to different parts of the goal but none actually inside it. Actually most shots where usually skied over the bar as I failed to explained to our team before the game that we aren’t playing Gaelic football.


Chapter Seventeen –


Chapter Eighteen – Final Whistle and getting drunk in Stanley with some players explain to the rest it’s really hard to play against 9 to 7 players, other more astute realised where just shite and stated making jokes at one another.


Chapter Nineteen – A pissed Leo drives everyone to Wanchai where half the team remained at 3am.  I have to tell myself that I’m not getting too old to keep doing this and that hangovers and splitting headaches are definitely worth it.