Saturday Group Games:
V ISC Indonesia 0-2
V Lufthansa Dusseldorf 2-2 (KC Sam, T. Narey)
V IFC Tokyo 0-1

Sunday Plate:
V ADW 1-0 (D. Narey)
V HK Swiss 0-2

For those remotely interested:
Cup Winners – Taipei Animals (arse!)
Plate Winners – Hearts of Delaneys

Our Awards:
Player of The Tournament – Peter Haynes & Adrian Green (tied)
Personality of the Tour – Bobby Tsang
Fanny of the Tour – Howard Neville & Boris Blank (tied)

The Report:
A somewhat disappointing tour – in terms of footballing achievement – for
the mighty Barnestoneworth ‘Bloody’ United was rescued as usual by some
quite prodigious extracurricular activity. Under the longstanding Kai Tak
Rules Treaty of 1845, we’re not allowed to talk about much of what went on,
so lets limit it to the drinking, in which Messrs. Grant and Tsang excelled
and disgraced in equal measures. Grant in his attempt to pick a fight with
Manor United, Tsang in his attempts to wipe out the entire Philippine
National Debt by spending more dosh in one weekend than Joseph Estrada can
accumulate in a Presidential lifetime.

Other highlights include Dan ‘Moosehead’ Narey’s encounter with a stuffed
furry animal smacking him on the napper from a great height and Peter
‘Hat-trick’ Haynes pathetically entrusting yours truly with a secret so foul
and unspeakable that I felt compelled to announce it at dinner to all and
sundry. And then there was the footie..

Unfortunately, whether it was the big occasion or the alcohol consumed the
night before, we were fucking atrocious in our first game against Indonesia.
In our second, against the cheating German bastards of Dusseldorf, we were a
lot better but failed to capitalise on our superiority and, in the third were narrowly beaten by eventual finalists Tokyo thanks to the poise of their 18 foot tall Yank sweeper, who went on to win Player of the Tournament (yet was somehow posted missing in the final.)

On to the Sunday, where we enjoyed our best game against ADW – the highlights of which, apart from Moosehead Narey’s goal, were 2-feet tall Brucie ‘The Hard Man’ Lee’s shoulder charging Nick Oates off the ball and Ming ‘the Merciless’ Lane’s barging of John Solly virtually into the Pasig
River. While we’re at it, special mention in the Kung Fu / Late Tackles Department to Tony ‘Jackie’ Chan and to Kevin ‘Fluff’ Faure. Good work lads!

On then to the quarters, where we faced those pseudo-German cheating bastards HK Swiss. Having lost Boris, Bobby and, of course, bloody Howard, to injury, we tried valiantly but in the end ran out of steam. It was left to skipper Ade ‘The Great Dictator’ Green to completely lose the plot and embark on a rant which managed to delay the start of the second half by about five minutes. Stole my best lines there, you bastard.

There then followed a quite apocalyptic Barnestoneworth/Squadron/ADW/German Allstars night out on the Sunday, where it must be said, the fact that we did not bump into the Taipei Animals – perhaps the most unpopular team to win a sporting event since the 1966 World Cup – or perhaps we would be loitering in a Third World jail cell.

And so another Tour goes by, our livers and reputations have taken another pummeling, and we feel sick to our stomachs. Roll on next year, and bring on the fucking Taipei Animals…