Hi Ted. Thanks for taking time to speak with us this week, how does it feel to be the first person for the new feature.
Oh it’s absolutely fantastic to be part of a such an esteemed publication, so thanks for having me.
No problem Teddy – glad to have you. Give us the basics. Where are you from, what do you do and what you did before arriving in Honkers last year?
I am the basics… Clayhead (from the Potteries). Before coming to HK, I went by the name of Nick and used to play polo at the Bedlington Club whilst chatting about current affairs with my former private school
buddies at the weekend….I’m now called Ted and have a drink fueled smashup from 6pm on a Friday until the end of the Sunday session – HK corrupted.
What’s your highlight of your time with Spartans to date?
Footballing – comeback against Albion a couple of weeks ago was quality….played them off the park, but would have to go with last minute win against French Kiss during first game of the season as we got the 3
points, shame we had to win it with a scummy goal.
Off the pitch – being shown the ropes of the Wanchai strip after my first game. Early kick-off against Albion followed by a monster Sunday watering session, ended with watching Lozza tazzing round like a
spinning top in Escape. Oli Miles also woke up outside his front door in a pile of sick! Knew I’d come to the right place.
Who’s your favourite ever footballer?
Ricardo Fuller (currently being threatened by Ed ‘the Wizard’ Tizard) because he was an absolute maverick. He also loved night out on the booze in Hanley town centre – was once known to lay out a chavvy Stoke fan who called him a legend….Ricardo was that tanked up that he misunderstood so went Lennox Lewis on him. The Jamaican Gazza.
Professional Spartans Cheerleader.
You’ve been sent down – what crime have you most likely committed and what’s your last meal?
Not paying my taxes (currently in hiding from the Australian Taxation Office). For my last meal, I would have Colin’s Mrs.
Would you rather piss yourself publicly once a week or privately shit yourself twice daily?
Publicly piss myself….bants.
What’s your most embarrassing moment?
Pissing myself in public.
It’s 5pm. You’ve matched a smoking hot bird on Tinder, she’s game for a date TONIGHT. What’s
your plan of attack?
I’d text Rob Dixon to check his whereabouts for the evening just to ensure a wide berth and to remove and chances of a ROBery. I’d then text Crossy to ask the same thing to ensure that he doesn’t get jealous. Then I’m ready to go on the date….attempt to get her drunk ASAP and then thumb in a sloppy 2 second moment of passion.
What’s your best Crossy story?
Don’t you mean Big Vera?…
It involves a 3some. Ask him to fill you in.
Would be followed closely be a weekend in Benidorm also, we can both fill you in on that.
We’ll be sure to revisit these. Where and when was your best ever night out – tell us about it.
DC-10 Ibiza closing two years ago would undoubtedly be the loosest. Absolutely filthy scenes.
SHAG MARRY KILL. James Woodhead, Stef Kelly, Jonny from the Stag
Shag em all.